The lost girl

I told you I would be BACK!

2007-04-12T23:45:00.000-12:00

Well, I am officially back. I won't go into boring detail as to why I stopped blogging because that is neither here nor there.... stuff happens!

I am out of practice so firstly I will say thanks to a few of you who kept checking to see if I had made a new blog and said they missed The Lost Girl...(I have missed her too, she sort of lost her way).. I have thought about you all so often and hope you are all healthy and well....

Thanks mainly to Lon Chaney aka Marian(my sis in law) and the rest of the Luff gang (David, Mel and Charli) down in Berkshire for reading my stuff and encouraging me to start it up again... Howdy folks.

I will check out the old familiar bloggers and say hi to you all and so you know I am back.... you know who you are.

Moment

2005-12-10T02:59:00.000-12:00

A moment turns into seconds. Seconds into minutes. Minutes into hours. Hours into days. Days into weeks......

I have been busily preoccupied...... it has taken me an hour to check out my regular blogging pals and comment and now I dont really know what to say.

What have I been doing? What has kept me from blogging for so long.

Working. Being sick. Working. Sleeping. Trying to sleep. Working.
What a boring existence. It is. Truly boring. I am barely existing.

BUT.... light at the end of the tunnel... (or is it?)

My to do list for Christmas

Find base for fake tree.
Find fake tree.
Send cards - charity of course..... well ,ok....Tescos own were cheaper. Tescos will have their own charity soon anyway.........
Untangle lights that have been thrown in bag and now do not work.
Buy booze and try not to drink it between now and christmas.
Buy new lights
Buy food that you always buy but would never dream of eating- like dried figs and nuts in their shells!
Wrap presents beatifully- well the first five and then dont give a damn and use any old paper
Buy presents - choose a special present for each individual
Give up on individual presents and buy tin of quality street for the whole family
Make mince pies - good intention ...M @ S supreme quality and no-one will know the difference
Go to Work Office do and get drunk.
Snog someone.
Maybe not.

So, now I have my list....better get on with it..... good luck with yours....

My 100th post....

2005-11-27T00:49:00.000-12:00

It is my hundreth post on my blog. I cannot believe I am still writing on it, I normally lose interest in many pursuits but I like this one..... not sure why really because its a strange phenonomen.... writing to people I have not met or don't really know (apart from a few)... I know I don't know these other bloggers but feel I have made a connection. Some of the regulars (and you know who you are!!!) have left comments that have changed the way I see myself and my life, they have either made me laugh or to ponder.... this is to all of you out there who have contributed to my blog and made it what it is.... its nothing special but I find freedom and solace in sitting here and typing away to you all..... thanks to all your bloggers from UK, USA and Canada!!!!.......

Feeling a little better today....not quite so grumpy.... went to London to see Edward Scissorhands yesterday, the ballet by Mathew Bourne and it simply blew me away!!! nothing better than theatre to cheer you up.... It was truly magical and I recommend it to anyone.....

Got to go now... repeat of LOST that I missed..... (Sad I know!)

Nothing to say

2005-11-26T02:23:00.000-12:00

Been away for a while...didn't really have anything profound to say and been working like a dog....did not get the job at the theatre but have been offered some freelance work and meet up with someone next week to discuss it...does it mean I do it for FREE? I hope not.... then again, a foot in the door I guess.....

Been feeling a little down in the dumps lately.... I was another year older and now am just one year away from the decade where my life begins.... it better had because my thirties have been pretty shit.... I am not drowning in my depression or self pity but would love some excitement or someone to have some excitement with..... Oh well.... another year another 'it will happen when you least expect it opportunity' perhaps....thing is, next week I will be quite happy on my own.....Fickle, thats me.

Emptiness

2005-11-15T08:34:00.000-12:00

Wierdness.
I yearn for something. Meaningful. Know only emptiness. Should be inspired but only feel scared.
Lonely. Alone. A loner.
Disappointed in people. In myself. In life.
A pill. A small white pill. In the pill there is life. My life.

Done it

2005-11-13T04:47:00.000-12:00

Passed my MA from Central..... graduate on 13th December..... what a relief....

Not been around much to blog as I am temping busily trying to earn some cash.... well done to all my fellow graduates from Central and see you in December. Sorry I did not make it to Lovely Lukes party but family crisis and was unable to go.... I am sure it went well and Luke does not look a day over 30!

Fireworks 2

2005-11-06T04:12:00.000-12:00

Got a bit of a reaction about my previous blog.

OK . Five children in my street were hurt and maimed yesterday by fireworks. It was a happy little family get together, nevertheless it all went horribly wrong. This is happening all over the country. My friend Anna, who is a nurse mentioned that over 150 people arrived in casualty in less than 5 hours yesterday with burns and other firework related injuries.

I don't want to damper peoples fun. I love fun but these statistics are ridiculous. Maybe you should have some sort of licence to be able to have fireworks. Who knows. All I know is I have a blinded sister in law and five children in my street who have been affected by them.....

I hate them.

Fireworks!!!!

2005-11-03T06:40:00.000-12:00

Its firework season again and if I was the minister of fireworks I would ban them. Ok, not completly but ONLY allow big organised displays.... reason why!

Firstly my sister in law had one thrown in her face and she is now blind in one eye and has bad vision in the other.
Secondly, all the poor animals. They are petrified. My cat Harry was scared so much the other night that he peed on the floor. He is the best cat and i love him to bits and he is going through chemotherapy at the moment for lymphoma cancer. He does not need loud bangs and pathetic fireworks to upset his day.
Unless, they are good organised fireworks they are pathetic and stupid. What is the point? What is the point of sparklers for instance?
Some stupid fuck attached a firework to a dog and it burst into flames the other day, the dog ran into the road and was hit by a car. They caught the bastards... Mmm... punishment for such mindless shits. Do the same. If they were banned this sort of mindless moronic behaviour would not happen. OK, I know that if someone without a brain cell wants to hurt animals they will but fireworks are far too easy. They say that if you can torture an animal then the next stage is a child...scary!
I hate them!!!!
Ban them!
Please
Thank you...... off my soap box

Dan the Man!!!!

2005-11-02T07:13:00.000-12:00

Went to see Dan (Blurred Clarity)....link on my home page.... in 'Bouncers' last night..... well, what a show.

It was a great night. It was funny and poignant and for someone who used to spend all their time in nightclubs in the 80's...familiar.....scarily so.

Dan was simply superb...(ok, he is a mate) but he is a fine actor and comedian. The timing of the piece was great and boy did I laugh. It is one of the best plays and performances I have seen this year and both my friends agreed. The music bought back memories and the fact that these guys were on stage for over 2 hours with only four white handbags and some Michael Jackson Thriller masks as props... Wow. Very hard to capture moments as they did..... wish I could see it again.

I have always been a fan of Dan's work...particularly his solo work (not in the wierd misery sense, so don't be freaked Dan) but I know talent when I see it and this man has it..... watch this space!!!!

Go and see it if you can.....its a must.

Smile

2005-10-28T04:46:00.000-12:00

Something happened to me today. Something that was strangely like a James Blunt song. I was happily strolling along looking for work. (well strolling is the wrong word, dragging heels is a better description). I was looking quite smart apart from the fact there was a gale and sideways rain. I fought with the inside out umbrella and my hair was beginning to look like a helmet stuck to my head.

Anyhow, I ran into the nearest coffee dwelling to sit quietly and fill out some more forms. Wet through and in need of caffeine I found a nice little corner with a comfy chair where I could hide. I was minding my own business when this drenched looking male decided to plonk himself opposite me on the last of the comfy chairs. I did not look up but was more worried that his dripping would smudge my form and gave him one of my Paddington hard stares (Paddington bear that is!). He smiled. Disaster.

He had the most beautiful smile that I had ever seen. I half smiled back and looked down. He took out a book and sat drinking his coffee. I tried to see what he was reading without him noticing. It was none other than Atonement, one of my favourite books. I wanted to find out what he thought of it but held back. I glanced up to find him looking at me. He smiled again. He looked like he would say something but his phone rang.

I sat there for another ten minutes. He talked and talked. I caught his eye a couple of times and he smiled again. Then suddenly. He got up to go and as he did he smiled and said ' You are very beautiful'.

He left.

Thank you for making my day mysterious man whoever you are.

Memoirs of a Lost Girl- Three

2005-10-25T06:19:00.000-12:00

Talking of tape recorders, her brothers had hours of endless fun of torturing her. She is too traumatised to talk about it.

Moving on. Swiftly.

Pink. Pink bedroom. Pink curtains, duvet, carpet and walls. Ok, not walls.
She hated pink. She hated Barbie. She hated girlie things.
Her Mum thought she ought. She was a girl after all. She was the girl they wanted.
The girl they wanted liked action man. Action man became a transvestite. He wore Barbies clothes. Barbie wore a German World War Two uniform. Role reversal so to speak. Both of them drove around in a Jacobs cream cracker tin. They shared a bed, a horse and a wardrobe. They ate plastic pork chops and slept with their eyes open. (Her action man did not have the moving eyes or gripping hands, but he did have a fetching scar).

Disatrous day

2005-10-25T03:42:00.000-12:00

Temping. It sucks.
No-one likes you and you get the shit jobs. Today I walked out on a job and the agency put the phone down on me. I shouldn't of done it but it was technical IT stuff and they told me it was reception work... I was lost and out of my depth. I also had no training and no COFFEE! Horrid place. The men , who were all just out of nappies and had pizza complexions just talked about how pissed they had got over the weekend and expected the female members of the office to be impressed.... my arse.

I want a job in the theatre. I want to do what I know I can do. I wish I was rich.

Never mind. There is always someone worse off than yourself....

Blast from the past.....

2005-10-22T04:03:00.000-12:00

Someone I went to College with in the 80's contacted me through Friends reunited.... I was a little sceptical about that website but joined it like everyone else. My friend Lawrence Green contacted me. We had a bit of a thing but it was never really full on, he liked my hair and the fact I looked like Swing out sister or Louise Brooks and I was in awe of him...he was the most talented artist and designer at fashion college... he was a true talent and as good as Galliano.... not handsome but very very funny if not a little short...but then again I was and am a little too fat so we cant be perfect.....

Anyway, we are going to meet 20 years on.... He works for a advertising agency in London now I believe.

Has anyone else come across long lost friends on this website?

Wish me luck.....

Clumsy cow

2005-10-21T05:44:00.000-12:00

I am so clumsy. I would love to be graceful and elegant. I am not. If there is one single thing in an empty room I will either trip on it or it will purposefully get in my way. I am limping today because my kamakazi iron flew out of my hands like a lemming onto my big toe.
It hurts like hell. I swore. Machines hate me.

I am awkward,ungainly and a walking disaster. I have no balance and never could ice skate or ballet dance.

Good job that we are not all the same I suppose.... there has to be someone you know who you can laugh at....

Memoirs of a Lost Girl- Were wolf

2005-10-20T05:32:00.000-12:00

Scratching. Noises. Growling. It was under the bed. All monsters are there aren't they?

Under the sheet. Waiting for the wolf to get her. It would. Eventually. Would it eat her? Would it talk to her first? Can a eight year old reason with a were wolf? Come to think of it can an adult?

It stopped. No more. She creeps slowly from under the sheet. She sees a shadow in the corner and she knows its sitting there staring at her. Its yellow eyes. Sharp teeth. Waiting to pounce. She would be tasty but for nylon ladybird nightie that could be a little chewy. She waits. They stare at each other. Nothing. Nothing happens. She bravely gets out of bed and goes on all fours and crawls towards the corner. Stalking each other. Shaking and needing a wee she pounces into the corner headfirst into a pile of clothes on the floor. It had gone. It ran off. She scared it. She runs back to her bed at full speed bouncing off the springs. Straight under the sheet. She prays to something. Jesus maybe.

Next morning she sees the pile of clothes on the floor in the corner. She gets up and looks under her bed expecting nothing. He would of gone. He hates daylight or is that vampires?

She finds a little tape recorder. She rewinds the tape. She hears the scratching noises. The growling and howling. No monster just brothers.

Memoirs of a Lost Girl -Part one

2005-10-19T03:49:00.000-12:00

She sat on the warm lap of her Grandmother who smelt of lavender and soap, possibly Gardenia. The woman was reading her a story and she had an accent. It was a fairy tale. Her favourite. The Little Match girl by Hans Christian Anderson or was it The Little Mermaid. Her memory fails her for a split second. Not sure but it was special. She remembers cuddling up to the pink softness of cashmere and twiddling the gold cross around her chubby fingers. The comfort and security overwhelming. Needy. She was loved. She was happy. Sleepy and purring.

This is now but a dream. Distant and lost.
The moment passed but memories remain.
She yearns to touch and smell her again.

Lost and loved

2005-10-18T03:35:00.000-12:00

She is loved. She has loved. She is still in love with the idea of being in love. Yet she is lost. So lost.
Lost in her wild imagination.
Lost in her dreams and ambitions.
Lost in her depressions.
Lost in limbo.

Back to the grind

2005-10-17T03:27:00.000-12:00

Now its serious job hunting for me....I had a lovely time in The Algarve but had a horrid cold most of the week that seems to be hanging around and my head feels like lead..... I always catch colds on planes!

Hope all my blogging pals are well....not much to say other than I would of blogged as there was an internet cafe in Armacao de Pera but what would you rather do....

1. Sit on the beach eating and drinking whilst basking in the sun.

OR

2. Sit in a stuffy internet cafe.

Yeah, exactly.

HOLIDAY........

2005-10-06T10:54:00.000-12:00

Yes, I am off on holiday on Saturday at 3am!!!!! flight at some god awful time.... but I am happy as I will be flying off to Portugal...the Algarve to be exact. ....... lots of sun, sardines, LOTS AND LOTS OF VINO and no sex i'm british and very tired.

So, will not be around for a week or so and will miss visiting my blog and speaking to my fellow blogging whores...I will delight in the fact that I can read a book of my choice and not a college one on some theory of acting and stuff....(forgotten already).

Be safe and will be thinking of you whilst I lie on the beach eating lots.

See ya and thats all for now....

Sell myself..... what is my 'Brand'?

2005-10-03T02:14:00.000-12:00

So, apparently according to a book I am reading about using my qualifications to get my dream job I need to brand myself..... as what exactly?

I hate all this...it is so self obsessive. I am a wonderfully efficient, organised (at work that is), dynamic, determined self starter (what does that actually mean?)..who would be the perfect person for the job...employ me now please..... you cant do without me.....REALLY.....

DONE AND DUSTED.........!!!!!

2005-10-01T06:23:00.000-12:00

I have done it...it is finished and been handed in....thank god!

My dissertation that is .... all 13,000 words of it...it is too late to worry about it now. I think its ok but on reflection could have been better of course!

Now, I am madly applying for jobs in The Guardian Media section for anything that will get my foot in the doorway of a theatre.... I would like to work in the USA if anyone has any ideas....

Not much else to say reallly apart from the fact that I am having a large glass of wine and eating chocolate to celebrate.... Saw some good friends from the course yesterday and it was kind of sad to be back at Central and not be a student. I will miss it as it was such a great year and I met some of the best people in the world...some friends who will remain friends for life.... it has been a life changing experience to be honest.... it was a risk and I am in huge DEBT!!!! but it was worth it...

Speak soon when I have something more to say...... just really to say hi and to blog in as its been a while.....

Dedicated to Fi, Gem, Luke, Dan, Bekah, Simon, Ben,Natasa, Lyd, Fiona and Fotini for being just great mates....good luck to all of you luvvies out there.....

Self-reflection

2005-09-23T00:56:00.000-12:00

'Reflection should always be well timed but not time consuming'

Editing.....

2005-09-22T09:00:00.000-12:00

I have just had an email from my tutor. She says I cannot be over on words... (not 1000 anyway).... so I am sitting here editing the bloody thing... I am sick of it. Sick of the whole thing. Its shit. Its crap but it will have to do. I hate it. I am bored.

EDIT EDIT EDIT

TOO MUCH EDITING MAKES SALLY A VERY DULL GIRL.
TOO MUCH EDITING MAKES SALLY A VERY DULL GIRL.
TOO MUCH EDITING MAKES....BORED WITH THAT NOW TOO.....(half expecting to see two scary twins or Jack Nicolson)....

THERE WILL BE REDRUM HERE SOON TOO.....IF I DON'T SLEEP.........I AM GOING MAD. I SWEAR I AM...

Thought for a Monday.....

2005-09-18T22:38:00.000-12:00

'Eye for an eye will make the whole world blind'

Mahatma Gandi

deprivation

2005-09-17T23:58:00.000-12:00

Sleep.
I can only dream about you. If only. If only I could.
Just sleep.
I daydream about being asleep. Lovely peaceful sleep.
The demons don't allow it. They are forever keeping me awake.
Just one hour. I beg of you. Let me rest.

Thought for the day

2005-09-16T22:17:00.000-12:00

Where do all the butterflies go when it rains?

Ideas on a postcard please.....

(Rich, you may know this with your wealth of knowledge for insects)

Your ex....

2005-09-16T09:13:00.000-12:00

Why do you give a shit about what your ex is up to and with whom?
Why should I give a damn about what an ex does with his life when he ruined mine for a long while...
Why do I care? Why do I worry every time I see a bright red MGB?

I dunno, apart from having dreams about stag beetles (thanks Old Man Rich!) I dreamt about my ex of 7 years last night and it was wierd... I have not thought of him for a long time and good job too as I spent far too long wasting thoughts on him..... I don't want him back and I don't love him anymore so why should I think of him? I did something pretty horrid to him in the dream actually and I am not proud, but maybe subconsciously he has now paid for the misery he caused me and the wasted years I spent trying to be a good girlfriend and stepmother to his child....(who I did like)

Men...where are all the good ones? My nan used to say that and she used to say they were either dead or at war.... god knows why I remember that.... sorry I digress.....

See ya...

Ambition

2005-09-15T05:44:00.000-12:00

There is nothing wrong with ambition is there? I want a good job and have applied for some but don't even get an interview...I want a job in the field of theatre (obviously) but it looks as though I will be selling advertising space for a while.... not much fun and not what I want to do.... so, maybe I have set myself up for a fall and should be pleased for any job at this stage of my poverty stricken life....No, I dont think so. I am ambitious and want to do well...(particularly after spending so much fucking money on the MA with loans and fees and shit)... No, I will take the crap job and search for my dream job.... (If I am still searching in ten years time give me a kick up the arse will you?)

Almost done it....

2005-09-11T04:15:00.000-12:00

One more day and then I can have some booze... I know you are not supposed to do that after 5 days of detox but boy I need it.... its been so hard and to top it all I have two spots and a bad cold.....

Sundays... I hate them. I hate them when you have to study. I would like to be able to do nothing but I have been studying for amost 7 years non stop ( six of it whilst working full time) and never have Sundays to myself. Not long now I guess...get this damn dissertation in and thats if for a while.... a long while....

Back to the grind...lots more typing to do and don't even have a drink to look forward to having later... except nasty nettle tea...(it gets no better) Going the the cinema though which will be good.... going to see Pride and Prejudice...sure the new Mr Darcy will not be as good as Colin Firth but I will put up with it as long as he is wearing britches and has nice long black boots on....(oh and a cravat)...that will do nicely thank you.....

Thats all folks.....

Poker face

2005-09-10T06:58:00.000-12:00

Just been playing poker with my pal and he says I have a good poker face whatever that may be...does it mean I look miserable? I am miserable because I want a glass of wine and I am still on this bloody detox thing... I played texas hold something and its fun.... I did ok and won £10 of him... he is not amused at all..... I should of been writing about the theories of audience and spectatorship for my dissertation but poker seemed a better option.... would of been better with a whisky, then again maybe I would of lost then.....

When 'Harry the cat' met Sally.....

2005-09-10T00:51:00.000-12:00

This is for my blogging pal Netter..... here is the guy I have been telling you about. He is called Harry and he is four years old...He is my gorgeous little man who is undergoing chemotherapy at the moment for lyphoma (cancer). He is feeling very under the weather as he had a dose yesterday and like humans it makes you feel like shit for a while afterwards......

Thank you Netter, I know he will appreciate the gift....

Grumpy as hell

2005-09-08T05:41:00.000-12:00

I am very very grumpy as Rich predicted.... irritable and nasty.
No caffeine, no alcohol, no nice food!
Seeds, nuts, brown rice I can live with as I have those anyway but chorella, blue-green algae and nettle tea. They are disgusting.

Me and my conscience.....

I could really fancy a nice cold chardonney or a pint of guinness right now, I would really really like one.
No, be strong you can do it. You need to. You are an unhealthy, think about all those toxins.
Toxins, Yes.... But, I need some drink, it helps me write. I become more creative.
Yeah right..... you think you do but you write shit when you are pissed....Nettle tea is good for you.
But its foul.
It makes you go.
I know. Too much.
No, thats the idea.
I cant drink another cup, I will spew.
You have to have another one before bed.
No, please dont make me.
And a nice bath with oils in it..... mmm, thought that would interest you.
Mmm. Sounds nice. I like my wine with me in the bath though.
Nettle tea!
Bugger off!

Day one almost over....... doughnuts, wine, chocolate, cake, beer, Whisky, chocolate, wine, cream cakes........

Detox

2005-09-06T22:57:00.000-12:00

Today is day one of my detox.... I have needed to do it for absolutely ages and have taken the plunge. I have all the right stuff and have spent a small fortune in Holland and Barrett buying 'superfoods'..... so, no more alchohol for five days and hardly any food either.... its only midday and I am in need of coffee but will have to have my herbal tea instead... if I could just smell some coffee I would be ok.

I have a friend staying tonight and will have to cook normal food for her so that will be a challenge...perhaps she can get a take away and eat it well away from me!

Wish me luck....

Weakness

2005-09-06T04:38:00.000-12:00

She has to give him up. She did it. It lasted one week.
He is not hers to love. She is not bad but the flesh is weak.
Frustration rises slowly like acid in her stomach, anticipation like the bitter pill she swallows each day. Choking in guilt. Wretching in disgust in her hypocrisy.
The deafening silence awakens her suddenly from her dreamless slumber back into the lonliness of her life.

Two minds

2005-09-04T21:56:00.000-12:00

She wants to recapture the feeling of discovery, that feeling of juvenile fascination of something new. But she also longs for repitition, patterns, routine and recognition. She needs it for fear of losing herself in such a hostile world.

Death

2005-09-04T06:23:00.000-12:00

Can we outwit suffering and pain, even death?

To all those suffering in the beautiful state of Louisiana... my heart goes out to you.

Face to a name......

2005-09-04T06:10:00.000-12:00

Hey, this is me. On the left of course (Amy is on the right who is a little younger than me!!!)... thought its about time I let you know what I looked like.... this was taken the other day at a lovely restaurant we all went to... I look really brown in the picture because i have been sitting in the garden writing my dissertation... wish I was this colour all year long....

Faerie wood

2005-09-01T00:07:00.000-12:00

Can you believe how fast the summer just flies by? I love the autumn (fall to all you across the pond) though... it is truly beautiful... I cannot wait to go on brisk walks through the orange and red leaves... I have a lovely ancient wood near me that has bluebells in the spring and wonderful trees that you can sit under if its too hot...it is my favourite place where I live.... they say that a black panther lives there too.... I have never seen it but it could do I guess. It is such an ancient wood its mentioned in the Doomsday book and apparently its where witches used to meet in the seventeenth century. I must admit it does have a strange mystical feeling about it, particularly when the bluebells are out in full bloom and all you see is carpet of violet flowers... they say, that is the most dangerous time to vist the wood. It is when mortals should be careful... A bluebell ring attracts faeries and it is at this time when the mortal world and the faerie world can overlap. Mortals can be taken hostage by the faeries and have to dance forever and ever.... sounds lovely but not all faeries are good boys and girls.

My path has yet to be crossed by a panther, witch or a fairy but I will keep trying....

Back

2005-08-28T06:09:00.000-12:00

Hey boys and girls.... I am back. I have been waiting for something to happen.

I did not win the lottery.... I have not met some gorgeous 'available' bloke, do not have a job of my dreams and still have my dissertation to write. Nothing exciting happened whilst I have been away... will see what you have been up to....

Wanted

2005-08-19T05:18:00.000-12:00

She wanted something to happen.
Something.
Anything.
She did not know what.

Today I am mostly feeling good!

2005-08-16T00:11:00.000-12:00

I am happy today. I am happy because its sunny.... I know that if we had more lovely warm days people would be kinder, calmer and happier. It cheers tired bodies and uplifts weary souls....

I wish everyone the most wonderful Tuesday and hope its sunny where you are....

Happy days are here to stay.....nothing else to report.

Unskilled and jobless

2005-08-14T02:46:00.000-12:00

I have just had another row with my mum who thinks I am lazy and should get off my arse and get a temp job whilst I am writing my dissertation... I argued with her as usual and we both upset each other as per usual. The thing is I know she is right. She is always right (I would never tell her that though).... I do need some money rather urgently. I have contacted some agencies and have an interview with one on Thursday. I realise that my typing is pretty good but my excel and access skills are shite as I have not practised them for over three years..... I think I am pretty unskilled which is pretty ironic seeing I have two degrees and an MA.... So, what was the point of having all these academic skills when I cannot get an office job. I did have an office job but it was over two years ago and I can swear I have forgotten a lot of it as my head is full of theatrical trivia.....

So, I have decided to do a refresher IT course. I will be bored as I hate computers (apart from blogging of course). Oh yeah, this is a funny thing too... I am becoming Ricky Gervais.... ok, not literally but I have joined two 'Extra' agencies.... thought it would be good fun and gives me time to look for my dream job.

So, even though I rowed with my mum and told her to stop worrying about me and that she should stop trying to run my life I am doing exactly what she advised.

Why are mums always right?

If anyone needs a temp or part time worker I am available..... cheers.

Medical dramas

2005-08-13T07:48:00.000-12:00

Why do they put them on when you are just about to eat dinner? ..... I am just sitting down to eat when some person is either puking or having a child on the telly..... always happens.... I know i shouldn't watch them but what else is on? Saturday night TV is shit. Do people really want to watch gore and puke? (I know its just chicken soup but it looks pretty real to me). Do people really want to see pretend doctors and nurses pretending to revive a flat liner? Strange. ( I guess its better than Big Brother which i can now gladly say is over!!! YEY)

Streams of consciousness

2005-08-11T22:18:00.000-12:00

I drank from the streams of delusion
You, my love, refreshed by the spray;
I am pissed in this hallucinary illusion
You, my friend all pageant and play
We both stand united.
Unaware. Unafraid.
Drinking all the droplets of hate and pollution,
Aware. Afraid.
We both stand alone.
We will pay. Have we paid?

Baldies rejoice

2005-08-10T01:36:00.000-12:00

Fantastic...... they are repeating 'Kojak' in the afternoons.... I am hooked.

Who loves you baby!

Childless and ok

2005-08-10T00:32:00.000-12:00

I am childless. At first, I chose to be but now at the age of 38 illness has intervened and choices are disappearing. I have been stricken with a plague that prevents me from leading a normal life at certain times. It prevented me from going to Edinburgh to see my new play performed. It prevents me from being a normal person(whatever that maybe). Not only that but my cat has been diagnosed with Lymphoma (cancer) and has to have chemotherapy. I have had a bad five days.

I love my cat. He is my best mate and I worried sick about him but he is not my child substitute. I am tired of people assuming women at my age are viewed as freaks of nature because they are without children.

I do not see myself or any other woman who are not mothers as freaks or as tragic fools. At times I feel glad I do not have kids because there are so many that are frankly quite repulsive. I then see the stressed out mothers and would hate to be in that situation. I am sure that motherhood is great for some but there is a good case for being child-free also. I understand that some women who cannot have children are genuinly stricken and would spend £2000 on one treatment of IVF, that is fine for them (45,000 women a year actually) and I wish them all the luck in the world. I hope they are pleased with the results.

I just wish that 'society' would stop nagging and stop making us childless folk seem odd. Our society views the state of motherhood as superior to that of childlessness. It does not make you any less feminine. There should be equal regard for both motherhood and childlessness, but it does not exist. My career is the most important thing to me and has at times been interupted by countless colleagues going on maternity leave and coming back part-time. I was not allowed to go part-time when I wanted to study for my degree. Ok, in the scheme of things children are important but not in my scheme of things. Childless women have no choices but to put their careers first and we are the ones that subsidise child tax credits, child trust funds and covering materity, nativity and sports day cover.... people have choices and it is a choice to have a child and one should consider this before hand. They are an individual responsibility and not a right.

I sound bitter. I am not really. I just think society should change their attitude a little towards us barren women. I am constantly fearful of remarks that make me feel like a lesser being. I know I am not. I am single without kids and am happy that way. I would hate to become like one of my smug married friends who only talk about their beloved children, boring the pants off everyone else. Some people talk beautifully about their children but sometimes its great to be in a child free conversation and environment.

So, to put the record straight. Women who choose or are chosen to be childless are not empty vessels, walking shadows or freaks of nature.

I do prefer animals than people because they are as sweet and lovely but without the hassle but Harry my cat is not a child subsitute. He is a cat. My pet. My friend. I do not talk about him all night about the time he bought a mouse in the house at dinner parties but if I do tell me to shut up.

Thanks to Laura Thompson for her article in The Telegraph for her inspiration on this subject...nice to know we are not alone.

Almost There

2005-08-04T05:23:00.000-12:00

Tomorrow I am off to Edinburgh Fringe Festival 2005 because our devised play 'Almost There' is being performed for a month. Our Company Ex-Animae is a young collaborative theatre company brought together by ex-Central students from different strands. The actors, director/writer and designers have been up there a week tweeking it and I am going to see it on Saturday to see if my dramaturgical input can offer any help for the premiere on Sunday.

So, I have a four and half hour train journey with a cardboard coffin as my companion! (no, not incase the play dies a death) but its an integral part of the piece. I think its in a flat pack so that will not be quite as embarrassing but I bet it has ACME BIO-COFFINS on the side or something similiar. Fun....

So I will not be blogging again till Tuesday when I am back (without the coffin). So if anyone is in Edinburgh for the festival during August pop along and see the play....heres the blurb.

Almost There

Almost there. Almost in love. Amost sincere. Three people trapped in an obsessive quest for happiness and understanding where words are both obstacles and solutions. Intimate, humorous and unnerving devised theatre work exploring what's brewing under the surface.

C Central venue, Carlton Hotel, North Bridge, Edinburgh
7th-29th August- 11.00 am

See you there then.....

Play

2005-08-04T04:56:00.000-12:00

I see you like this; a whole. As a complete concept.
Not tiny fragments of an ambitious endeavour; but as the bigger picture itself.
The weightiness of you falls heavy on my shoulders
But perfection is needy like a new born babe,
I owe it to you to be fair and clear;
And that is why,
I am here.

My day with my wonderful Dad

2005-08-03T07:28:00.000-12:00

I had a lovely day with my gorgeously handsome dad today and we went to see 'The Tempest' at The Globe. Firstly we had a walk along the South Bank and it has to be one of my favourite haunts in London particularly on a beautiful summers day. It was like memory lane for my Pa but it has changed a lot since then, he worked just off Dover Street in the early sixties and the South Bank was as rough as hell... he could not believe how it had changed over the years. We had a delish lunch and then went to see the play which he had not seen before.

It had three actors, Mark Rylance (one of our best Shakespearean actors today) Alex Hassell who trained at Central (yeah!!!!) and Edward Hogg. It was an ambitious production because the actors played three to four characters . To do a three actor play (particularly Shakespeare) can be tricky and this production did not quite pull it off. It was good. It was very clever but only if you knew the story really well, my Dad had no idea who was who and what was happening. I could see him searching endlessly through the programme to search for the synopsis.

As a (trainee) dramaturg I could see plainly that the transformation of characterisations was not clear enough, they vaguely used a rope that they put over them (like an hangmans rope) to change character but their physicality should have been more visible.

I could see why they decided to experiment with the idea of a three man play for The Tempest. The central character of Prospero holds the magnetic tension of the whole play and the opposing forces of Ariel and Caliban (air and earth) reflect in the character of Prospero, he is infact split into three people and as an audience we were expected to understand the island is not a literal place but an extension of Prospero himself.

If you accept this then the play works. The comedic elements and the good acting saved the piece. It certainly recieved a huge applause from the mainly American audience. (good to see the problems we have had in London have not prevented our friends from across the pond to visit..welcome!)

I love going to The Globe not only because I love Shakespeare but it is the most beautiful theatre and I like the way the actors interact with the audience. I think they need a dramaturg and I am available now.....so if Mr Rylance want to get in touch....blah blah blah. (they do need a dramaturg and directors should know this by now! )

Something that did make me laugh was the 'Adopt an actor' piece in the programme.... I would really like to adopt Alex Hassell if he would let me....

The day was lovely thanks to my wondeful dad and the Globe.... we ended it by walking through St James Park and talked about stuff... I love my dad.

Dreamtime

2005-08-02T06:39:00.000-12:00

She dreamt of him last night. She dreamt about a life untold, unseen. She often thought she knew him before; a soul reborn. He was there too often in her slumber, her dreamtime. Talking, laughing, loving.. The moment passed. Wait. She has to think. To concentrate. To savour every precious second of him before he dies. The pictures are fading, once awake fading from fantasy to reality. Going fast. Fading fast. Faster.
The memory of him has gone.

He dreams of her each night. The life in her is real and true. She sings and dances, flirts and prances. Flits away the time. Her open arms and kisses hot. Passions rise. The beauty of youth in her revealed. The dreams like glimpses of dreams once dreamt. Each visit shorter. Each embrace less. Each expectant kiss needed. Wait. He has to think. To concentrate. To relive every moment with her. He wakes to find her gone.

I dreamt of them again. Of two I have not met or know. Their lives collide with mine. I dreamt of love and love removed. I dreamt of time and beauty and history passed. I found them in my night thoughts. Wait. I have to think. To concentrate. The lovers are leaving without a trace. Fading into daydreams. The thought of them has gone.

Lovely summer day

2005-08-02T06:08:00.000-12:00

I have had a good day today... I have done something I have never done before and I love new experiences....(any suggestions on a postcard please)

I went fishing! I know it sounds terribly boring but it was a beautifully sunny day by the river. I went with a obsessive fishing fiend of a friend (ex boyfriend- his fishing gear still takes up most of my garage!!!) who persuaded me that I could sit there and study whilst drinking a nice chardonnay... I did the picnic and he took the worms! I wasn't too keen on them but the riverbank , wine and picnic were a joy, the studying was not an option but a tan was.... At first I was not too interested in the actual fishing thing but when I had a go I did catch something... (not infectious) but a fish..... I caught a fish and my friend (ex boyfriend.. and no I never went with him when we went out because he never wanted me then and always went at night...suspicious) was gutted.I made him throw it back even though I feel guilty about the pain I have put the creature through, he tried to convince me (as always) that they do not feel a huge metal hook on the inside of their mouths but I am not convinced.... the fish hates me now.

So, I am now a fishing convert...not that I will be taking it up or anything. I love picnics though....long live the summer. Happy days are here again and I am a little pissed.... great.

Closer

2005-08-01T04:55:00.000-12:00

Your smile is infectious . I do not fear contamination and yet would I die for you?
I feel your presence. Closer and closer. I suffocate. I am slowly dying. Dying without you and fading with you. You are like an addiction that must be fed. Eating away at my sanity. Closer and closer you come and I want to hate you and yet need you to love me.

concentration- lack of

2005-08-01T04:01:00.000-12:00

I am restless and have the concentration span of a toddler. I must write my dissertation but procrastination is such a great word. Why am I so restless? I have tried to work at home but making coffee or ironing (!!) seems a better option. I have tried to study in a public library but find people-watching more interesting. I went into Costa Coffee and tried to read but engaged in a conversation with a nice granny..what can I do? My head is worrying about stuff but its hard to pin point to what exactly. It could be so many things. Money, ambition, employment. The list goes on. Restlessness is a strange phenomenon.

Alone

2005-07-30T22:09:00.000-12:00

A friend sent me an email asking me if she will always be alone. She asks will she ever meet someone who inspires her or will she ever inspire poetry in someone else. She is relatively young so I told her of course she will and she will live happily ever after. Of course I was just being a good friend and am the last person to know about relationships.

I know how hard it is to find someone you feel comfortable with, someone who fires up emotion and most of all someone you can talk to... I am not the person to advise. I have had my disasters and am now on my own. I think I am happy the majority of the time but sometimes I wonder if I will ever meet a mate.

I like my own company and relish in being able to do what I want when I want but there is a small part of me that thinks about being with someone. I have never been the type of woman to attract men but I know I am not ugly so I have never understood why. Boyfriends have primarily been friends first and they never seem to last that long.... I have never been asked out on a date with a stranger! Is that sad? No, I am not asking for sympathy because I would be useless on a date and know I am far too old to do that type of thing now... even though my parents would love to see me settled and think they would arrange a marriage if they could.

I am happy. I think. When I feel that life should offer more I find work, friends, painting or even books a comfort. That is probably sad. It is the way life is. Oh and I hate the cliches... you will meet someone when you least expect it.... Fuck off.
So why should a friend ask me of all people about her manless life? Men are a complete mystery to me. I am one of many Brigitte Jones' out there but I don't sing into my hairbrush(that often) and am very unlikely to meet Mr Darcy.

A peaceful IRA !

2005-07-28T21:36:00.000-12:00

So, it was reported in the news today that the IRA have confirmed they will dispose of their arms by October and pursue peaceful acts. Wait a moment....I thought that Blair did not succumb to terrorists demands. This whole blackmail thing does not sit well with me. I was involved and lost a dear friend in the Harrods bomb and it still leaves a very bad taste in my mouth. I wish I could be positive about this 'new' IRA situation. I should be. Its history in the making. We have enough to worry about with this new type of terror that has reared its ugly head these recent weeks. The dangerous and invisible terror that no-one can predict or prevent. The suicide bomber.

I should be relieved. I should be. No more IRA terrorism bloodying our streets. But and its a big BUT..the IRA bastard murderers are now walking about our streets that they once terrorised. They can live a new life, start again and live the rest of their lives in peace, maybe some even be regarded as heroes!
Heroes, NEVER , they are cold blooded murderers and torturers and always will be (don't be persuaded otherwise by the smiley faces and smug looks) .... my heart goes to all the victims of IRA terror.

Life goes on but memories never die.

Paradise

2005-07-27T09:58:00.000-12:00

Are there enough virgins in paradise for all these suicide bombers? What happens to them afterwards?

Just wondering.

One moment

2005-07-24T05:14:00.000-12:00

Something can happen.
It only takes a moment. One moment.
It alters your thinking forever.
Everything after is judged. By it.
All you will know is what you were before and how you are after.
There is no middle ground.
It will affect the way you percieve things.
It will affect the choices you make and the people you meet.
The new you will replace the old. Accept it.

Is it just me?

2005-07-22T23:41:00.000-12:00

I arranged to meet a friend in a pub just off Bond Street the other day. Great, looking forward to it as we have not seen each other for ages. I have this very annoying habit of being early and hate lateness. I arrived an hour early. Why? I don't know.

I looked around the shops around St Christophers Place but soon got bored because they are posh ones, I saw a handbag that would have been a months salary, what is that about? I decided to bite the bullet and go and sit in the pub on my own with my book which I never do. I ordered a drink and sat down. I am not a shy person but somehow sitting in a pub alone I often feel vulnerable. I feel like Sally no friends. All I wanted to do was to run and escape the looks.....or did I imagine them? The wine did not touch the sides, it was the quickest £3.20 I have spent. The merlot and me were gone in a flash.

Thank god for Costa Coffee. I can go into a coffee shop and sit there all day and no-one gives me a second glance, so what is the difference? Why is coffee different to a glass of wine? I left the coffee shop and then arrived at the same bar forty minutes later to find my mate sitting there quite happily with his paper with no cares in the world. He did not even notice I was late... bastard.

So why can men do it? You often see a solitary male in a pub having a swift pint with his crossword or paper. Is this to escape the woman and kids at home? Why don't women do it? Is it a gender thing?
Or is it just me?

Insomnia

2005-07-22T00:14:00.000-12:00

My head is spinning. It feels dull and dead
My half lids focus on blurring pages
My soul is risen and my legs are lead
My eyes are shut but my brain engages
Slumber and sleep are all but dreams
My body is falling apart at the seams

Terror 2

2005-07-21T10:39:00.000-12:00

More terror on the streets of London. Today the Oval Tube station (where I was rehearsing a play) was closed down because of another explosion. Two other tube stations and a bus also had explosions albeit small ones but all the same they were bombs. All day the news had blasted out different versions and no-one was sure what had happened. Apparently the devices were similiar to the ones two weeks ago today where 54 people lost their lives and many others were wounded. Today only one casualty because the devices did not work properly and the hand made explosives can be a little temperamental. The government say the bombers intended to kill. They caused panic and terror. They caused disruption and disorder. I was stuck in it this time and it was scary. It took me 3 hours to get from South London to North London as no underground stations were in use and buses were packed. I walked in the end.

This seems to be a terror campaign.
We cannot let them scare us like this. We have to carry on our lives.
Nevertheless, I am scared.
Scared to live in a world like this and to be so helpless.

Meaning of you

2005-07-19T05:29:00.000-12:00

You are a masterpiece.
The meaning of you sticks in the minds of all you meet. They are left with a mere fragment of you, wanting more. Needing more.
Do I imagine you or just the thought of you? Do you really exist? Do you exist and can you lend yourself to all who delve deep or do you just tease?
You are a fraud.
The meaning of you sticks in my throat and I am left in chaos. I am left with a memory of you, wanting nothing. Needing nothing.

Sorted....

2005-07-18T22:59:00.000-12:00

I am sorting today. This is not usual. I don't sort. I must be sick.
Today I am sorting out accounts! (yikes), sorting out college work. Sorting out my life.

I have spent the last hour sorting out college journals. Kitchen cupboards are sorted. I have a boxfuls of photos from my trip around the USA that have been sorted. I have books piled high and CD's out of their cases that are crying out to be done and I have huge canvases and half finished paintings that are stacked in my spare room that must be next... ....

What is going on? Why have I suddenly started tidying up and sorting? I am turning into my mother.... STOP THIS... I do not sort. I do not tidy. I am unorganised and have been for the last 38 years....

Creative people do not sort. Friends accept this as an endearing quirk, don't they?

A

2005-07-17T08:12:00.000-12:00

Loving you exert energies that exhaust and excite
Your very existence enables me to breathe,
My mind enraptured
My body is captured.
My life is yours but I never expect you to leave.

Smokers

2005-07-16T01:40:00.000-12:00

If you read my blog a few weeks ago you would of remembered the 'egg' incident... (where some lovely little darlings threw some eggs up into my 2nd floor flat window and I was not too pleased)...this has happened twice now.Ok they are only eggs and not dangerous. Fair enough...

But it has got rather more serious. I came back from London on Thursday and opened my windows immediately. I had a shower (London is going through a heat wave I was sweaty and tired) and within that time I realised that my window box was on fire..!!!! Quite a big fire too....

PANIC..it was lucky that it did not catch my curtains. I put it out and found a cigarette butt as my evidence... someone (maybe those pesky bastard kids) or some other bloody smoker had flicked their fag end into window.... lucky that I was in and caught it in time... I phoned the police and they said it could of been the egg throwers or an accident... maybe someone who hates cats was aiming at Harry my ginger Tom who regularly sits out there. I have to report anything out of the ordinary now because this is classed as a serious act... Perhaps it was an accident but why do smokers feel they can just throw their crap down onto the ground or into other peoples property and cause fires? Idiots..

I am now walking the estate where I live and staring at people and thinking 'was it you'... 'its you'.... I know it may not seem serious but it is to me.

Loved

2005-07-15T03:58:00.000-12:00

"Who decides who should be loved, and how? "

Arundhati Roy 'The God of small things'

What a question she thought. There is no answer to that. Is there? No-one. Everyone should have the chance of being loved or to love. She contemplated this for a minute whilst gathering the last few crumbs of her biscuit in the wrapper and emptying them into her mouth. Love. Loved. Had she ever been in love or been loved? Surely. Of course. She threw the wrapper away and sipped her now cold tea murmering under her breath. This deserved her full attention. This question of love. Why did she pick up that damn book?

You....

2005-07-13T09:50:00.000-12:00

I found a picture of you; you are beautiful.
I had forgotten how you shaped my life and made me believe.
I found a photo today that shook my world and made me sad.
I had forgotten how you broke my heart and made me weep.
I found a memory of you; now it is hidden deep.

Terror

2005-07-13T08:40:00.000-12:00

It is likely that the four terrorists that bombed our beautiful city were British, not the aliens people thought they were. Wanted them to be. Three from Leeds and one from Luton. What does that say? British killing British and for what? Maybe that is not the point. Maybe it does not matter where they are from.
Religion. Hated for the Western ideal. A ridiculous promise. A callous deathwish. No love or respect for life.
We are at war with an enemy that does not fear death but embraces it.
What can be done Mr Blair and Mr Bush?
What will be done?

Regressed

2005-07-11T22:02:00.000-12:00

I am considering doing this as I have deja vu all the time and would like to know if I had a previous life. I don't think I was Cleopatra or anything but know it was in the past and not in this country. Perhaps they are just memories of this life but who knows...
I have read a lot about it recently and think that one of my characters has experienced it but it has negative effects on her. I have also heard about 'interlife' which tries to find out where your individual soul is inbetween lives... this fascinates me.

If anyone out there has either experienced this or knows about it...let me know.

BOY

2005-07-11T08:58:00.000-12:00

He liked the softness of her hips and the way they were wider than her waist. She loved the narrowness of his shoulders. He loved the lines around her eyes when she smiled and she liked the smoothness of his chin when they kissed.

Great Impressions

2005-07-11T08:33:00.000-12:00

I am losing weight. Its gradual but its coming off. I am doing the weight watchers thingy, not the new one but the 20 point one where you can eat what you like as long as you don't go over the 20 points... so you can eat 5 doughnuts if you like (20 points) or drink two bottles of wine with a packet of cheese and onions crisps... or , you could do it properly and eat your three meals with protein, free point veg/fruit and a yoghurt if you are good...(oh and A GLASS OF WINE)...(GLASS THAT IS NOT BOTTLE!!!!)

You can eat less if you want but thats very hard and you end up scoffing a packet of biscuits at midnight because you have deprived your body of the essential fuel. Thats ok but you have to survive the next day on 5 points... well you may as well stay in bed and forget it because 5 points is nothing...

Well...I have found this tea... its chinese....Have you ever wondered how chinese girls stay so thin when they eat so much oily deep fried food...all the rice and noodles (the most fattening food of all)... I know now..I know how they stay thin...... I was in Gerard Street (Londons china town) and there it was,. its called 'Great Impression' and its in a little orange box with a skinny chinese girl on the front in a bikini. There is no english on the packet apart from the name so you have no idea what you drining (probably has some essence of 'Tiger') but my friend said that she had been drinking it and she had lost weight...I bought some and it tastes quite nice, you take it black like Green tea (Gemma!!!!) Apparently it cleans you out and detoxes your system, it soaks up all the crap and your body flushes it out...

I waited. Waited for two hours....

It worked...(no longer need a colonic irrigation, get my drift....sorry for being so vile but I feel great)...

I will be taking a little more tomorrow......

Martin Sheen

2005-07-10T09:31:00.000-12:00

Helicopters everywhere. Yesterday and today. Back and forth. Back and forth. It could be something out of Apocalypse Now... what is going on? Well, I live near Silvestone racing track and today is the British Grand Prix... we are used to lots of helicopters on race days but this year we had army and police searching the skies for possible terrorist attacks. I suppose it could be a possible target. I am pleased that Britain are on high alert again, we heard it was lowered after the election, not that the tax paying public knew about this change in security at the time.... we are now offically on high elert again, good thing as I am off to London again tomorrow as usual. London transport here I come.

It was quite scary today with all the helicopters and it was very very noisy. The Grand Prix went off without any hitches and now the helicopters have stopped. I was sort of looking forward to seeing Martin Sheen, he would of been welcome to have some of my pimms! ... (older but still a very sexy man! )

The curse of plagiarism

2005-07-09T21:19:00.000-12:00

Everything I write has been done before.
I get an idea and am amazed at my brilliance just to realise that the reason why I liked it so much was because it appeared in a book or film that I love. It may be only a small element but its not mine.
So, where does inspiration start manifesting itself into that ugly word ...plagiarism....
Plagiarism. Plague. Plague-ism. Its an 'ism' so it much be important.
Ironically the Greeks and Romans fought over the ownership of this word...
Latin plagiarius- Kidnapper
Greek plagion- kidnapping
'pass the thoughts, writings, inventions of another person as one's own'

Whatever it is I am suffering from this dreaded 'ism' and need an originality pill.
Be original and take risks.
Raise the stakes.
Turning points. Dramatic irony.
Dream diary.
Yeah yeah.
Mmm...originality pill....like it. I can picture it.
Go away now. Don't get any ideas!
As if.

Robert and Siouxsie- I salute you

2005-07-09T02:42:00.000-12:00

The events in London have brought back some memories of a dear friend I lost in the Harrods bomb...she was my Heaven and Heroes buddie in the 80's...Goths separated at birth....... God bless my friend...
I am listening to The Forest by The Cure at a very annoying volume for you...you are so missed and never forgotten...

Next one will be The Banshees - Playground Twist........ love you kid (we shared the best times)

Mindless chitter chatter never hurt anyone

2005-07-09T01:33:00.000-12:00

Just been over to my local shop to get The Guardian...I know I am a news junkie and a bit sad, but it has become a little bit of a habit because I have to have it on a Saturday...I think its The Guide. Why? The Soulmates (Nah), the Theatre listing (maybe. It is good), TV listing (Nah, don't really watch it that much) probably the aerial view of America...usually very funny...

I digress - when I was in my local shop I overheard this conversation and maybe I will watch Eastenders just to find out what they are bloody talking about... amazing how people forget real life so soon! Survival I guess...

Did you watch Eastenders? Will he do it?

No, because then he would have to kill his brother too.

Never thought of that.

They will have to leave though. Shame the young one is nice.

Leave?

Well he would drive them out wouldn't he. He's Mr Big.

Yeah. He is a good actor though.

Oh yeah, to be able to throw a wobbly like that. Great.

No, not him the other one.

You mean the one he was going to shoot.

No, the one with the gun you knob.

Are you saying that because you can point a gun at someone that you must be a good actor. (Dan take note)

You have to admit he is good at it.

He was in the Bill you know.

On the other side of the law?

No, he was a bent cop.

Don't watch The Bill

Anyway, I don't like it when it gets too serious. I like escapism.

Big brother... thats escapism

I lost interest at this point... BIG BROTHER....HELP

I obviously miss out on stuff not watching telly. I have not watched any Big Brother since the first one and I am not being a snob about it...its ok if you have no life but my life is far too interesting to watch boring people slag each other off. Then again, I spend far too much time on this blog so who am I to say has no life..... I am known as a snob around where I live because I don't swear in every sentence but hey I could fucking learn....

Today I am trying to feel positive

2005-07-08T01:33:00.000-12:00

I am feeling as positive as I can be.
Positive that London will get through this.
Positive that the people who have lost loved ones or those who are seriously sick will be consoled and taken cared of.
Positive that I will find a job.
Positive that I will write a damn fine play.
Postive that my dissertation will be taken off the backburner tomorrow.
Positive that procrastination is just a word.
Positve that I will find peace.
Positive that I will lose more weight.

Postivity is the only way forward.
Bring it on....

United we stand

2005-07-07T20:31:00.000-12:00

I have been astounded at some of the comments I have received and would like to say thank you to everyone across the pond who have expressed their good wishes. Thank god my friend is safe, the networks were down and it was impossible for people to call. Sadly, I think we all feel closer when something as mindless and violent as this happens, nonetheless it proves that in the end we are all part of the human race and have to stand united.

I am not going into a political rant about the why's and what if's... this happens everyday somewhere in the world and London just happened to be the target yesterday. Take care and be vigilent my friends.
I want peace and a world where I can feel safe.
Most of us do.
Most of us do.
Peace.

?

2005-07-07T00:35:00.000-12:00

Why?

Today I am feeling angry

2005-07-06T23:38:00.000-12:00

Train: 8.15 from Milton Keynes to London Euston. Arrive 9. 02.
That has been my journey for the last ten months.
Today I did not go. I decided at the last minute not to go.

Today London had a series of vicious and mindless terrorist attacks.
Some near to Euston station. I would normally be on the tube at 9.30.
I did not go. I am ok. I am lucky. Hundreds are not.

Sirens. Screaming. Panic.
Explosions on buses and trains. Dead and dying people. Lots have been maimed. Lots are scared and shocked. Crying people and bodies covered in sheets. People on mobile phones trying to call loved ones. I cannot get through to some people. My friends are out there. The networks are busy.
If there is a god I pray that they are alive.

Today I am feeling angry.
My heart goes to the wounded and the families of the dead.
I am angry. Fucking angry.
And for what?
Why? Why?

Today I am mostly feeling fine

2005-07-06T03:54:00.000-12:00

I am feeling fine. Not exactly great, not wonderfully sad but fine. I have sorted out some money stuff and have even sold some hoarded crap on ebay...I feel a little frustrated perhaps. I feel bored which is ludicrous and selfish because I hate people when they say they are bored because its a stupid word and means that you are infact a boring bastard. Some people in the world do not have time to get bored they are too busy trying to live so I have no right, not really. But sometimes you just can't help yourself and it happens.

I am writing a screenplay. Well, when I say I am writing, I lie. I have writers block and everything I write is pathetic and childish. I am trying to get inspired so have read 'Story' by Robert McKee which is a faboulous and very informative book for anyone trying to do this... this has just made me scared and very anxious about it. I am having doubts about my abilities to write.

I am also working on a devised piece of theatre with some great people from my Drama school, I am the resident dramaturg...I know no-one knows what this is and I also having doubts about the role myself of late. I am finding the whole process hard and am unsure if thats what I want to do when I grow up.

So, now you know why I am just feeling fine. I want to feel great. I want to feel excited.

I will hope for that tomorrow.

Living demons

2005-07-03T08:23:00.000-12:00

Are they alive?
Is she dead?
Have they paid?
Is she paying?
Have they repented?
Can she forgive?

Anniversary

2005-07-02T10:04:00.000-12:00

It seems like any other day. She washes away the memory like dirt off her feet. The soothing spray merely a disguise. It teases and tempts.
It amounts to nothing.
It fails her now as it failed her then.

Seventeen years.
A lot can happen.
A lot has happened.

A diary of dreams and a folio of fictions.
A pot-pourri of paranoia and normality.
A prescription of pills and pity.

Breathing and living.
She lives every breath.
Her life is happening but part of her dead.
Memory falters but never quite fails.
Date, time and place.
Too much has happened in seventeen years.
Let her forget. Please let her go.

Ode to a strawberry

2005-07-01T01:28:00.000-12:00

Well, not exactly...more of a list about them really...

Name of a Damned album
Cream would not be the same without them
Only English will do
Picking them yourself is fun and I am going on Monday..yeh
Yeah, I know that is not being FRUGAL but I am not paying for them! Ha
Turning away from the little man who is weighing and eating as many as you can is particularly fun (the red stained mouth and stawberry juice is a clue to your deception but I am sure they add at least a punnets worth on the price so you feel abliged to stuff your face! )
Feeling sick after eating too many is not particularly fun as your vomit is pink...(like it is with red wine..yuk)
Eating something that once had wriggled on one of the many stawberries is horrid
They are red
Juicy!!!
I love them...
My love affair with them will be short lived as I will be sick to death of them by Tuesday
I can use any left over mushy ones as ammunition against those bastard chav kids that threw eggs in my window...watch out baby chavs your fake burberries will be soaked in strawberries...

Let me know any facts about strawberries... is there anyone who hates them?

Any Frugal recipes out there with strawberries would be very useful as I know I am going to have a least 5 punnets worth and will need to eat them in two days!!!!

Happy sunny days!!!

Frugal

2005-06-30T06:59:00.000-12:00

What an ugly word... thats what it says on my fridge magnet.
I hate having no money and having to judge my life around it.
My choice. It was my choice to go to the USA and have a wonderful time and meet wonderful people.
My choice. It was my choice to go to college and learn about what I should have been striving to do for years.

It makes no difference though. I am having to be FRUGAL.

FRUGAL.... what a word...'sparing or economical: meagre and costing little' (Oxford concise English dictionary) definition.

Food shopping. Frugal: hard when there are lovely things to eat... I know you should never go shopping when you are hungry but you are always hungry on a diet (which i am on at the moment)

Clothes shopping: FRUGAL does not exist in the world of shopping and every girl knows that..better not to go at all and wear all the old stuff even though its getting baggy! (yey !!!!)

I have wholeheartedely decided that I hate the word FRUGAL... and I will no longer use it in my day to day vocabulary.

Good bye

Nostalgia

2005-06-29T02:45:00.000-12:00

I decided to clean my disgustingly filthy flat today and boy did it need it. I haven't had much time lately so its been neglected. I did some of it but got distracted and started selling more stuff on ebay in a vague attempt to make some money!
Anyway back to the story. I treated myself to a cd yesterday. I have not bought one for ages being so poor. It jumped off the shelf. It begged to bought. It was the 12 inch singles from the 80's. My era. My type of music. So, there I was sorting out cupboards that had expiry dates going back to, well you get the idea dancing to ' A forest' by The Cure and singing as loud as I can to the fab long version of 'Love Action' by the Human League. Ok, maybe I deserved the eggs the others day...

I was taken back to a time when I desperately wanted to be the dark haired girl in the Human League and when I would have done anything to marry Budgie from The Banshees ... I was happy.

I was a goth/New Romantic in the early eighties and loved spending time looking cool but hard... Then, I became a Louise Brooks lookalikey with the black bobbed hair when I was at Fashion college, I was cool then even if I say so myself.. bloody cool.. that stays the same so now I am an aged version of Lulu herself.

What a great day.... I have enjoyed cleaning... (yeah, enjoyed)

Thank you HMV for making me realise what good music I listened to then. Most of it is on vinyl so I don't listen to it....

Happy days!

Money makes the world go round

2005-06-28T04:30:00.000-12:00

No, it does not.
It makes my head spin round and round.
Or lack of it does.
My self indulgent but fabulous trip around the USA and then my full time Masters degree has left me in horrendous amounts of debt. Too bad that any type of job in the theatre will barely pay me enough to eat, never mind the bills and the mortgage.
I should be pleased and proud that I have gone for it, gone for the dream.
Be proud and be skint.
Be proud to be skint.
As long as you do what you enjoy doing or thereabouts.
Do it because you love it.
Go on Sal, say you love it.
I love it. (Not the poor bit but the going for the dream bit)
Dream on losers and go for it.

Jameson

2005-06-26T05:58:00.000-12:00

I am having a large one. With ice. I need it.
Trying to put some items on ebay and having problems with attaching the pictures, already getting a little bored and guess what happens.
Guess. Go on. No, not martians... know you can't wait for 'War of the bloody worlds'.
Somebody or some little bodies have thrown three raw eggs through my open window and scared the living daylights out of me.
They hit the back wall of my kitchen and exploded. When I mean everywhere I mean everywhere. I had my hob on so the aroma of omelette will linger for a long while. They have ruined a very nice calendar, pictures on a pin board and have managed to slide down the back of places that i will never get to....even if I tried.
They are bored I guess. Do they go and buy the eggs just to throw at someone or something? Have they been instructed by their mums to buy eggs? If so, won't she notice three are missing? Maybe the Mums instruct them to do it, saves them having to entertain them. Maybe they were trying to hit my cat who regularly sits on the balcony. Don't bother because he is too laid back to even notice.
Whatever.
I am bloody angry and if I catch the little bastards I will wring their necks...
More Jamesons please, quick....

Lead hat

2005-06-26T00:27:00.000-12:00

I am wearing a lead hat that is a two sizes too small.
Better than yesterday, much better than the day before that.
Missed both my college leaving do's. Pissed off.
Some people I will see again. Some I may see again through other people. Some I would like to but I won't. Some I don't care about either way.
But I still wanted to have all the 'we must stay in touch stuff ' because it reminds of school. Its what you do.
I feel a little let down. I feel down. Not sure what to do or think now. No more drama college and no more excuses not to get a job.
At first I felt guilty at college because I had left a 40 hr week job of eight years to play games and doss around the school canteen, I soon got used to it. I loved it. I loved spending time with great people who were almost fifteen years younger than me, it made me feel young. I felt like I had escaped the rat race.
Now, I am a single woman in my late thirties with a mortgage and no salary... loan will not last that much longer. I have to get a job.
Help.

Drill inside my head

2005-06-24T03:07:00.000-12:00

I love the glorious sun.
I have been waiting for it.
I love storms.
Normally. I love storms.
But storms in this humidity. No. Not nice.
I get migraines. I have one now. It feels like a man is drilling from the inside out.
It hurts like hell.
I feel sick and it hurts like hell.
The computer screen is too bright but had to finish off essay.
I have missed my night on the piss with my drama school friends, it is my last day.
I am in pain and I am pissed off.
Going now.
Stop complaining Sal.
Go back to bed with curtains drawn and a puke bowl.
NICE!!!

Victim

2005-06-23T05:40:00.000-12:00

She is later than usual. It will ok.
She did not call her flatmate to meet her halfway. It will be ok.
The station is quiet. She turns right towards the canal. She walks fast. She is ok.
She can walk in the middle of the road. It will be ok.
She walks faster. Almost runs. Why? She will be ok.
She saw them. They were across the road. They looked ok.
She never heard them.
They grabbed from behind. She is not ok.
They pulled and punched. Far from ok.
They scratched and dragged. Not ok.
They molested, they hurt.
They poked and they stabbed.
She is not ok.
She is not.
She is
She.
She is lost.

Electrical catastrophe

2005-06-22T09:47:00.000-12:00

My hair-dryer blew up.
My land line walkabout phone refuses to charge.
My kettle flooded and died.
My mobile was stolen.
My TV displays green elongated people.

My electrical goods have all ganged up on me. I am a lost girl.

Sorry to anyone who has tried to call me, I have no means of telecommunications at the present time.

Send me a blog instead...please...please.... I am desperate. I am cranky from no coffee, my hair is lank and lifeless and I am too skint to buy new gadgets....

Half-formed

2005-06-21T20:32:00.000-12:00

Imagine for a moment that the person sitting beside you (trains in my case) is built differently. Look at him/her- go on- out the corner of your eye. What if behind the eyes that return your furtive glance there lurks a huge ball made of rubber bands. Suppose you pinned him/her down. Suppose you clawed and punched and scraped. What else might you find?

' I don't want to be a soldier'

2005-06-21T08:34:00.000-12:00

A soldiers song from the First World War

I don't want to be a soldier,
I don't want to go to war.
I'd rather stay at home,
Around the streets to roam.
And live on the earnings of a well-paid whore,
I don't want a bayonet up my arsehole,
I don't want my bollocks shot away.
I'd rather stay in England,
In merry, merry England,
And fuck my bleeding life away.

Anon.

After watching the very brilliant piece of theatre 'Human Shrapnel' , written and performed by Dan Hoffmann-Gill (a friend at college) I remembered this poem from my English Lit degree on First World War poets. I remember it because it seemed so modern. This surprised me at the time. I wonder if soldiers still sing it now? Why have things not moved on? Why are there pointless wars even after the so called 'war to end all wars' ? I guess this is a question that millions of people ask each day.

My Grand-mother lost 5 out of her 6 brothers in the Second World War. My Grand-father about the same.

I wondered why they hated german tourists nicking the hotel sunbeds when they used to go to Spain in the 1970's. Perhaps it was not about sunbeds after all.

Time to forgive and forget. But it never stops.... relentless killing of young lives.

War is part of the human condition.

'Human Shrapnel' has made me think hard. Harder than I have for a long long time.

Thanks Dan and the poem is dedicated to you.

A white dog poo

2005-06-20T08:00:00.000-12:00

I am pretty sure that when I was young all the parks and pavements were full of dog poo. It was not just normal dog poo however, it was white. Kids all over the country were trying hard to avoid this stuff when playing cricket or football, it was impossible. It was everywhere.

Imagine this: A dog does a ordinary brown smelly poo and then something happens to it overnight and all the life and moisture is sucked from it leaving a fragile skeleton type shell that if poked with a stick would crumble into a white dog poo dust. (And it did. I have many experiences of poking sticks at white dog poo during the very long and boring school summer holidays)

It was around for years and suddenly it disappeared. I couldnt tell you the exact date or time but probably around the 1980's...(Maybe it was just I did not go into many parks then, I dunno) Anyway it did... long before all the 'Pick up your poop' campaigns, dog litter boxes or fines. No, long before then. It was a phenomenon. They were abducted.

Has the dog food changed? Maybe more cancer inducing additives and hormones have been added to prevent this wierd pale poo. Who knows?

I was in Kennington Park eating my ice lolly and enjoying the sunny weather with Gem and Alexis when I walked towards the rubbish bin. To my amazement. There it was. Just staring at me. Proudly sitting up and going 'remember me'.... A white dried out dog poo. Just one. On its own. I did not poke it with a stick purely because I thought my friends would of thought me a little wierd but I may go back tomorrow on my own and do it....

So, has some OAP's dog been given a can of pedigree from the 1970's? Is this dog a time traveller? Who knows but if you go to the first bin on the right as you enter the park you will find it, but get there soon because it will be white dog poo dust tomorrow.

Oh yeah, Gemma noticed the lack of wasps this summer.... they will come, believe me, they will come.

'Mary'

2005-06-19T06:37:00.000-12:00

She looks better today than yesterday. The longed for sleep has revived her. Her hair looks good. The weight although slow to shift is shifting. She leaves with a self-esteem never achieved before.

She waits. She waits still. A little longer. Its late. Its always late. It arrives. Ten minutes late.

Panic. Panic builds. She struggles to find the correct change. She must have the correct change. She drops her purse. The coins roll. Pain thumping inside her veins. Blood pumping inside her head. Sweat running between her breasts and inside of her thighs.

She picks herself up. She pays.

She sits. Relief. She sits. Relief. Stares down. Relief.

Her eyes dart to the side. I see them. She hears them. She sees them. I hear them. Quiet whispering. Whispers. Giggling, whispering, laughing.

'Mary'

Pearls of sweat forming on her forehead, mouth dry.

The wonderful Derby gal

2005-06-13T11:06:00.000-12:00

Once upon a time there was a Derby gal.
And the wonderful thing about this gal was that
She was far from ordinary,
She had a wonderful singing voice, could do a wicked leading waltz
and had a knack with scarves.
She did not have enormous boobs but a winning smile,
She did not have money to burn but was always generous...
But there was one thing this gal DID have and it was a thing of great amazingness
This gal was NICE...
And because she was NICE and because she went about her far from ordinary business in her own
dramaturgical way,
she had a strange and alarming effect on people.
She got the name The Wondeful Derby gal and it stuck....

Dedicated to Gemma who I have missed over the last week- get well soon little sis!

Absent friends

2005-06-12T05:30:00.000-12:00

After watching the brilliant 'Three', a show by some friends from college that examines friendships I started reflecting (they love that word at Central) on mine. I was sad to realise that I probably only have a handful of true friends.

At times, they falter, they disappoint, they are hard work but nevertheless they are friends.

We are all alone, all of us. Then suddenly someone will crash into you like an oncoming train and instantly you know they will be a significant chapter in your life. Others will drift in and out and if you are lucky the relationship will mature like a good cheese or shiraz. Some will last a lifetime but most won't.

This year I have found an old friend but lost another. This year I have made lots of new 'friends' and some will last, others will not. That is life. Mundane stuff happens that will determine the longevity of all friendships. It is sad when you remember all the bottles of wine you shared with now absent friends.

Here's to all my friends (past, present and future) You know who you are.

Dedicated to Valentin, Chris and Emmelie for their inspirational piece of theatre 'Three'

Old habits never die

2005-06-11T00:41:00.000-12:00

As the needle slips in she feels the sting of dread like a finer pain threaded inside the jab. She looks away out of habit but as the feelings wash over her she falls onto the bed. She brought her own needle this time and refusesd the one he offered her. It feels different. She feels different. Dancing spirits have been replaced with lethargic demons and as the nausea builds she passes into darkness.

Fateful collision

2005-06-09T07:57:00.000-12:00

As they collide into each other she is unsure if it is a collision of both mind and body. There is a moment, a small fleeting one that flickers but as they pass it dies.

Daymares

2005-06-08T08:10:00.000-12:00

I have never experienced this before. When I do actually sleep I have nightmares on a regular basis, usually tidal waves or being trapped under ice! But daymares are a new occurance and they really are quite unpleasant.

Sitting on the train today trying hard to ignore the man with dodgy eyes I found myself drifting off into a type of unsleep. I know I was awake but nevertheless I was dreaming. It was more than the daydreaming that we all do when bored or uninspired, no this was a real dream. I dreamt that the man with dodgy eyes was after me and chasing me through the train carriage. I was running aimlessly through the silverlink train tripping over limbs that were not attached to bodies. These stray arms and legs were on the seats doing the quick crossworld in The Guardian and listening to their ipods. They seemed surprised to see me running past them. Now, how a leg or arm looks surprised I cannot really explain but they were, I could tell.

You all think I was asleep and dreaming normally... well, you don't know me. I am a sleep nazi and to enable me to sleep anywhere it has to be complete darkness with a little breeze and with no-one snoring next to me, so I know I was awake when this happened.

What a wierd world this is or maybe its just me! If anyone else has ever experienced this then let me know....

Loving you but hating me

2005-06-07T22:06:00.000-12:00

Eventually I will get over you, just as oneday you will get over her.
I will never get over her.
You will and then you can move on.
To what? You.
That's cruel.
I am joking. I do love you.
Yes, you said.
You mean the world to me.
As a friend.
Yes.
Stop it. I am shit at this and have to go.
Don't go, not like this.
I have to.
I can't lose you.
As if.
Stay.
No.
Please.
No.
Call me.
Maybe.
You will.
Not yet.
When?
Whenever.
Will you be ok?
As if you care.
I do.
Piss off!
What can I do?
LOVE ME!